Jabari. Keeper of coins. Spinner of tales.

This guy brad and I are becoming friends on the boat. good friends i think. And tonight he comes in and after were talking for a bit he asks me: Jabari, did you always know you were going to be a bad ass? Like when you were a little kid?”

And I look at him- start to speak then stop then this is what I say almost verbatim. (forgive the punctuation I needed to get it all out before I got back to work)

“… Fuckit. But I dont tell many people about this, so dont laugh. When I was younger- younger and shorter and prone to getting lost in large crowds, I did just that on a family trip. My parents had taken me and my sister who must have been very tiny cause my father carried her around all the time so I was maybe seven on a vacation. Family trip to Disney World and I was all excited so first thing *I* do, cause im 7 and not very bright, is to run off and get lost. I ran around for a while before I realized i WAS lost, so by the time it became apparent I was good and lost. I was on some kind of main roadway in the park and it was full of adults. I dont do well in large crowds. I know that now but i didnt understand why back then I was getting very weirded out, I just knew I needed off that main street, so I ducked over to the side between two of the buildings in what looks like a makeshift alley. I was in that alley looking for either my parents or Daffy Duck or somebody to tell them im lost, when this man calls attention to himself from farther in the alley. He’s dressed about like what a disney character in a suit would look like. He was an older black gentlemen, he had a wiry white mustache and a little very grey white reduced fro going on, and little morgan freeman old man dots on some of his face. He was wearing what looked like a suit, in so far as I had seen suits before, my father wore them. But his was.. old. Like it was very worn and a little frayed maybe? with thin faded pinstripe lines and a tattered old handkerchief, and he wore gloves with fingers in them, but trim nails- for some reason i remember his nails were very trim. He smiled at me sadly and beckoned for me to follow him and since I was 7, it was the early 80’s, and as previously mentioned I was not all that stellar in the common sense department, I assumed he was going to show me to an office or something so I could find my folks. So I went. Maybe a quarter of the way into this alley He indicated a door I had not seen before and gestured for me to go inside. I looked and saw a very dimly lit office with a desk and two chairs, one on either side. His desk was completely empty of things. The office however had charm. Old dusty charm, but charm. It was damp, but not unpleasant. Pictures on the walls of the park in its early years with characters I didnt recognize- the old man shaking hands with people Id never heard about. But honestly, if he wasnt shaking hands with the Jackson 5 or He-man I probably wouldnt have cared all that much. Moving past me, the old man directed me to the other chair where I sat kicking my feet while he moved across to the other side. We sat looking at eachother for maybe a minute. And that doesnt seem long, until youre 7 and its just you and some old man looking at each other in silence for that long. Then its forever. After forever the old man leaned forward, and put his hands together folding his fingers.. I remember thinking that his fingers looked so frail, not strong like my fathers hand- and would my fathers hands look like that one day? would mine? Then I blinked and realized he’d been talking to me and i missed what he was talking about.
“See thats what Im talking about Jabari. You zone out. you miss things and you cant do that. Youre are made for bigger things. greater things. and you will not get there if you dont look up and pay attention. We cannot afford to lose you Jabari. You are too important.” My little mind was blown. did this guy just call me by my name? do my parents know where i am? How the hell old is that suit anyway? ” Jabari. JABARI. Listen. Focus. You have GOT to learn focus. Here.” and he pulled a drawer on his side of the desk and took a sack from it. without looking he reached into the sack and pulled out a coin about the size of a quarter, but when i looked at it, it didnt look like any quarter Id ever seen before. It was not George Washington’s face on the front. And the head was facing out from the coin. “You keep this.” He said. “Keep it safe and dont tell anyone that you have it. One day you’ll know what its for. Keep it SAFE, Jabari.” and he slid the coin across the desk face up. Looking at me. I looked at it, then at him, then at the coin again.
“Now get out” he says, and frankly im a little offended.
“Wheres my mom?”
“At the head of the alley you came down. Remember to shut the door when youre outside.”
I scrunch up my little face a bit but the man had given me a quarter to get lost, So I stood up and used both hands to push my chair back to the desk like I had been taught. I grabbed the coin and slid it into my pocket after looking at it for a bit. Then I left the office and turned towards the alleyway. I had taken 2 steps before I remembered to shut the door but when I turned to do it- no door. No door at all in the little alleyway. Didnt even look like there should have BEEN a door and while i was looking for signs of one so i would know I wasnt crazy, my mothers voice shook lose mortar out of the walls around me when she shouted my name and ran to hug me up in her arms. The rest of that day was a blur. Of course I told my parents about my little mini adventure of course they didnt believe me when of course I could not prove it- but I did not tell them about the coin. Through the years ive held on to it as best I can. I try to take it everywhere and sometimes i think ive lost it, but it always turns up again. It has survived move after move after move. Arcade binges and piggy bank busts. I’ll find it under the couch, in the bathroom on the counter, in the change cup in my car- always. I even brought it with me out here, now it’s just a reflex. I feel.. unfinished if I dont have it. Like a good luck charm I guess.”

Here I start rummaging around in my pocket like im going to show it to him and his face gets bright with wonder like he thought i may have been bullshitting but maybe im about to prove him wrong.

“I still dont know what its for, but everyday i think about it.” and here I pull my fist out of my pocket and open it to reveal.. nothing, but i do flip him off and grin really big. We laughed a lot over that for a while and he goes “You could NOT have come up with that on the fly” -but i totally did. =)

To paraphrase someone I wish I could have called ‘friend’ – Storytelling is a skill like any other. And if you want to maintain a level of excellence, you have to practice constantly.

The Flower in December

“I made a golden promise that we would never part
I gave my love a locket and then I broke her heart

and then I broke her heart’
-Tom Waits “Innocent when you dream”

Ive taken to wearing hoodies out on the deck of the Normand Flower while it speeds off into the blue headed for a tiny little platform out in the gulf.
Sometimes, my job requires that I pack a bag and then spend some time as a ‘mechanical systems engineer’ ala Val Kilmer in Red Planet. Everybody else has these super specific jobs to do, I make sure the toilets flush and the airlocks dont open- or, more to the truth, that are product is collected and deliverable to the client at the end of the job. (I say ‘our product’ to be all secretive and make me look all hawt to all the women who read my blog.) It’s usually bad food, close quarters, 12 hour days and no weekends- but the view is sometimes amazing. For instance. At night out in the middle of the gulf, the stars are not shy at all. Light pollution is a rare rare thing and typically, If you choose wisely where to stand you can gaze at stars you havent seen since you were a kid in that ill-equipped astronomy class in primary school. You know the one.

While Im out I typically have a little downtime to work on whatever I see fit and THIS time around I have done some blog upkeep- written a tiny tale, written a slightly risque’ longer piece and gotten pretty wrapped up in calling myself a writer again. Loosely. There are times when I find myself just incapable of coherent thought. But I push forward blindly until it feels right again.  Cause. ya know. American.

That quote in the open is from a Tom Waits song Ive been listening to while Im out on the back deck watching our wake.  Or while I was wandering around the dock looking for where our equipment was dropped off in the rain and shivering. Or any time I feel generally crappy and want to wallow in it for another 3 minutes and 9 seconds. Music is the coat that protects me from the elements. Its my seatbelt when im driving too fast. Its my blanket when the monsters prove my parents wrong about their existence.  A great many very memorable times in my life have been laid a soundtrack by my brain either on accident or not. That might be a bad thing, or a good thing- but it’s my thing.

Heres another thing. Ive decided on a new ritual for when I go offshore. While Im offshore, I’m not going to shave. at all. And when I come back from the dock looking like Tom Hanks in the latter half of Castaway, Im going to find a full service straight razor barber and pay him heaps of money for the most relaxing shave my face has ever experienced. Rose petals should rain down around the chair while a fat itallian tenor sings about the virtue of upselling a pedicure. I expect to not need the happy ending after this shave.

I’ll let you know how it goes

ps: My ipad has been a trooper out here. as a pdf reader and general work assistant it has been invaluable. Apple gave me a couple apple stickers, so I feel I owe them a free plug. Youre welcome.

Love and Loss in the Garden State

And then I went to New Jersey.

I have heard some regretful things about New Jersey on the television and radio waves of our nation but my experiences are an anomaly for in the glorious Garden State I did do great things.

I rose before the sun and trekked across an alien city to do battle with electricity and sound! I lay my head on the firmest most comfortable thing ever and dreamed sweet nightmares in the dark. I talked pain with an old woman and I met two cats and an incredible dog. We became fast friends.

I did some deep breathing, a lot of reflecting and a fair amount of looking in during the long, still hours in the night. I saw bridges and tunnels and hills and basements – I met new people, I renewed myself with some of the best people I know. I even became acquainted with a beautiful coffee shop in the wee hours of the morning and saw a robot steal a car then bring it back. I carried letters I could not send.

In the dead of night I faced deep fears in the passenger seat of a white traffic defying demon and it was magical. I wore a suit that used to be too small and is now to big. I sang rainbow connection with people I love and had shots with the tender of the bar. I do not. Regret. One. Second.
Also, I re-learned a few things about myself that I had no business forgetting in the first place. Among those, this:

Hesitation is doing me far more harm than good. One day in a future not terribly far off, I’ll wake in the early morning to tea fresh brewed and waiting. I’ll grab that cup and a fresh sliced bagel and settle into a chair on my porch and watch the sun carry high into the sky over the city. And while Im sitting there on that porch in the future with my hot tea and with my bagel, and a place set for a stranger to join me- I’ll be regretting the things I didnt do and not the things I did. I want that list to be shorter than it is now.

I am awake, and seek not to sleep long again.

Not really livin’

Sorry for taking a little while to get back here. But now im back settled at the table, a nice little brew on the right, Duke Ellington in the background and lighting that would put normal people into a sleepydoze. It feels like a big leather chair that long ago molded to me in a room filled with trophies of a life spent living. Baseball cards, vintage photographs, (with me in them! HA!) a quilt i helped make, and the books that move me. A reflecting room. I should really build one of those- and then spend the rest of my life filling it the right way. Wait. Shouldnt that be life anyway? What the hell have i been DOING?

This:

I had a pretty wonderful evening not long ago. I hung out with people I really enjoy being around doing something I dont do often but should: REALLY CONNECTING. So little of that is actually going on with me right now and isnt that the point? I always say that I do what i do in my professional life because I believe that the connections people make with other people are important. All of them (not just the ones I like, but even the ones I think are just ech.) I believe in us. I believe in ALL of us, but I try to keep myself just outside our reach. I think it helps me be objective, I think. It helps me help you- and helping you helps me. I think. Much better neighbors than housemates, but every now and then I’ll see someone hold someone else close and that looks like fun, to lose yourself in that. And then I question the wisdom in holding myself apart from you all. Deep thinkin. Ingrid Michaelson I blame you. Ultimately, this:

We deserve more. Every single one of us, and all we have to do is DO.

This past week:

    -Wrote a poem about a boxer.
    -Drank beer with a pretty lady who shared wisdom WAY beyond her years.
    -Played a competitive card game for fun. (which doesnt happen as often as it should, given how often I play)
    -Made Chili in cold weather while I drank beer and listened to beautiful music.
    -Got to use my brains for a sideways solution.

SCORE: Yes

Sidenote: Spent time at the Londonner (in Allen?) and some little burger place with a nice bartender who loves us and has great taste in closing time music selection. The time you spend getting there isnt time wasted at all. REEVALUATE.

Constant Companions.


Neither of us is new anymore. We carry scars and rips and frays and we’ve been bleached by the weather and the sun. But every morning youre at my side and you brave the day with me until we’re home for the day. You carry my worries and troubles so I don’t have to and youve been good for a distraction when I really need one- as far as I know you are the best train buddy a guy could have. I know that sometimes I push you to your limits, try to make you do things you cant do. Im.. demanding, and youre patient with me. I remember the first time I saw you, resting there against a wall leaning on a display in the mall. I knew immediately I had to have you on my arm and I can hardly believe I made it happen. And now. Years later we’re taking the train together to work. Honestly, I wouldnt trade our time together for anything and I really hope you feel the same.

Thanks for always being there.

Sing me songs about the weather

This is a picture of a street!
“The days are long but getting shorter”,
Says the stately little porter
While we linger watching mortar
dry between the bricks.

My cab was summoned long ago
apparently it’s driver knows
How my scrunched up little toe
does ache inside my kicks.

But still I wait with bated breathing
fingers clenched and chest a-heaving
soon this city I’ll be leaving
I can hardly wait.

Will I be met with scornful glances?
Guarded hearts with pikes and lances,
reminders of the many chances
broken in my wake.

“Sing me songs about the weather
vases filled with hope and heather”
My boat is drifting minus tether
longing for the storm.

My brow is knotted with the worry
Were I a kitten I could scurry,
my heart is caught up in the flurry-
But I’m still going home.

-me

Wait, what?

This is a picture!My unconscious body can get me showered and dressed, drive me to the DART parking lot, and put me on a train. Not the RIGHT train, and there can’t be more than 2 red lights or I get confused; but it WILL get me on A train. Where I get off is a function of how soon I wake up. (Which is generally a function of when the nice officer prods me for a ticket.)

By the time my brain went through POST* I was on the orange train speeding into downtown. That’s not unusual but required a transfer to get to my final destination but I DID notice something odd. There was.. a color scheme I wasnt participating in.  Younger people mostly, all wearing the same shirt. Well- different shirts of the same color and type. Not all wearing the same shirt cause where would they all sit? I dont remember a school on the train line, but wouldnt that be cool? I would dig that for maybe the first few weeks. Imagine the possibilities! I mean, some horrible ones too, but what a social experience! Teaching (hopefully) kids to navigate public transportation and interact with each other to accomplish a common goal. That goal being to get somewhere youre trying to go. I think thats pretty worth it. It’d need to be really safe and maybe some kind of system should be in place to discourage abusing the means of transportation- but still. Wor- wait, Here’s my stop.

*P.O.S.T.  Power On Self Test

—[ Excerpt from my P.O.S.T. ]—

Jabari  – Standard Earth model Class: Human- Loadout B

.Memory check
.Sensor Suite to active
.Social scene detection – compare sensor data to stored horror movie and social scene presets……..
.Limb check
.Clothing check
.Dead body proximity check
[Self Aware]
.Loading morning startup routine
!Begin “Day”
—————————————

For Honor. For Glory. For the holiday weekend.

This morning was an almost silent, contemplative ride to work. Mindreader wasn’t even there So I was alone with my thoughts. Since I was sick yesterday and it’s Friday today I feel like I should maybe offer my fellow Pubtranspos some encouragement. It felt like we were riding together across the channel to be target practice for the Friday pre-holiday workflow. I SHOULD say something. Something rousing to get them through the day; to send them into the jaws of work with the good stuff to get them back out again at 4 o’clock.  Really we’re in this together. It’s not like the workdays are any easier on me. When those doors open into the blistering morning and the enemy day starts gunning for us I’m a target just like everybody else. She shows us no mercy. She gives us no quarter and she does not take prisoners. Some of us may fall. Not all of us will make it back in time, captured and chained in overtime long past happy hour. And while those things be true we don’t blink and we don’t quake like scared little interns. We’re on the job and we do not rattle.

“Cannon to right of them,
Cannon to left of them,
Cannon in front of them
 Volley’d and thunder’d;
Storm’d at with shot and shell,
Boldly they rode and well,
Into the jaws of Death,
Into the mouth of Hell
 Rode the six hundred.”*

8 Hours of blood and faxes, sweating through meetings, and sucking the last drops of bitter salvation out of little Styrofoam canteens.

Bring it on.

 

 

*Charge of the Light Brigade.
Get some knowledge in you.

Pretty Little Mindreader

At the bus stop

I met a mindreader on the train.

At first, I wasnt sure thats what was going on. I just thought it was a weird coincidence that as I was talking in my head to the pretty redhead at the front she glanced up and locked eyes with me for a minute. But then I knew. And we had a conversation. It went like this.

Me: OMG! She can totally read my thoughts! It’s probably rude that I’m talking about her in the third person. But I mean, I could hardly be blamed this is my head- im here all the time so this is just how I talk to myself. I should be allowed a little time to adjust. And plus, How could I be ready for a mindreader out of the blue? I barely have control about the thoughts im *supposed* to have control over! This is just like when people come over to visit but i havent cleaned up. Except they have a key. And the walls are made of glass. And it’s 3:27 am. I am COMPLETELY unprepared. What happens when I start thinking about kittens? Or baboons? Or kittens ON TOP OF baboons! Do I get a pass for all they stray errant weird or inappropriate thoughts I havent learned to control yet? I hope not. Cause she.. (you) are probably a really nice person. Youre probably remarkable even. I bet you play jazz in the evenings while you cook amazing meals and gaze thoughtfully out over your balcony at an amazing view. Or that you painstakingly craft models of sailing ships with a detail most people never even notice. Or maybe you bake wonderful treats for your neighbors to enjoy while you chat about nothing at all before you all go to work. I could really use someone like that in my life..  Let’s start over. My name is Jabari, I think it would be really nice if we got to know each other. I’m headed to work right now, but if you have some time tomorrow morning we could chat again, maybe have some coffee and talk about life on the train or something like that?”

Mindreader: …

Me: …

Mindreader: …

Me: …Bitch.